I am a strong and intelligent woman. I have uprooted my life and moved across the country several times. I have not only earned a Bachelor’s degree, but a Master’s as well. I have stage managed multiple shows, run my own company, solved problems, built things from the ground up, and have the capability to maintain my life quite well on a day to day basis. Yet for some reason, I fail at dieting; not quite fail exactly, but food is my kryptonite.
My willpower to resist overeating or eating “bad foods” waxes and wanes; there are days when I don’t think about food at all, and I find myself wondering why my stomach is growling at 9pm and there are days when all I can do is construct my next meal in my head and how many seconds until I will be able to finally satisfy myself to eat that food. Much like I spoke of the busy/bored cycle yesterday, I am usually one extreme or the other with little balance.
It’s been a rough few weeks diet wise. I returned to Denver, where for some reason I just eat and eat and eat. The week I returned I gained 4 lbs, though I mysteriously lost several tenths of inches on my measurements. In part this could be due to the fact that once I did return from my Denver excursion, I also hit a new routine pretty hard. The next week I lost both pounds and tenths of inches, in fact is was the best I had done on my measurements yet. All during this time though, I had a relatively easy schedule.
When my week got busy and I ended up on set, I was quite proud of myself because I didn’t snack on all of the evil crafty. I stuck to fruits and veggies, and ate small meals each time. When we went to restaurants afterward, I ate half of my food, then consuming the remainder later. I win at that willpower game!
Then the week started, this time I was spending my hours at a desk, now doing twice the work I had before, but eating the same food. For the past two days, all I can think about is food; I have thought of three scenarios to eat food right now, just since I began writing this. I even cracked under pressure yesterday to eat a meringue tart. Who the hell needs a meringue tart?! Surely not this girl. But before I had even thought about why I shouldn’t eat it, it was ordered, paid for, and half eaten in front of me. I lose at the willpower game.
I am trying to take Beck’s advice and not beat myself up about it, and instead of blowing the rest of the day, quickly getting back on the wagon. So far it works, after what will now be known as the devastating meringue tart fiasco (I am nothing if not overly dramatic), I ate a simple sandwich and chips. Beck also suggests trying to distract yourself (hence the blogging) and re-reading all of the material you wrote to keep yourself on track. Check and check.
Like a relationship that has fallen into routine, I am constantly looking for the initial spark in my diet. I want that same willpower and energy I had when I first started; when I looked at my daily points and had to find ways to eat what was left, or I wanted to exercise three times a day. I miss that girl! I want my diet to be that cheerful and wonderful priority, not the thing I have to answer to because I feel guilty if I don’t.
Come to think of it, this may be why I don’t have any long term diets….or relationships….